The Lesson I Learned from Chelsea's Birthday Dinner

Today is Chelsea's birthday. She is seventeen and will be a legal adult in a year. That will give her lots of freedom, but also, more responsibilities. However, if anyone can handle responsibilities, it is Chelsea. She has her feet solid on the ground and seems to know what she wants out of life. I hope no one will get in her way, including herself. There is probably a greater risk of her giving up her dreams than for someone or something stopping her. We all tend to give up too easily on our dreams because of our own insecurities. Chelsea is smart and like all of us, is still trying to find out who she is and why she is here. Though we may argue about whether our ancestors were chimpanzees or not, I am very proud to be her grandfather.

I have been asking what she wanted for her birthday dinner for the last week without getting much feedback. I assumed it was chicken, but just how did she want it prepared and what did she want with it? I finally decided if she didn't tell me what she wanted, I would make homemade fried chicken, corn-on-the-cob, mashed potatoes, and gravy . Since she likes chicken legs, I was going to get a package of legs and a package of thighs to fry. I haven't prepared fried chicken for too many years to recall and was kind of looking forward to it. At least, all but the cleaning up of the new stove, because any type of deep frying really splatters oil everywhere.

I asked her one more time this morning while taking her to school and I finally got an answer. What Chelsea really wanted for her birthday dinner was a menu. I found out that she really wanted to go out to the Mongolian Grill, but was reluctant to tell me. To be honest, she had talked about wanting to go to the Mongolian Grill to eat, but not in a "birthday meal" context. I failed to pick up on it as a birthday meal. In fact I think I even made some comment about "that not really being good chinese food."

Sooner or later I am going to learn that my grandkids find me a little unapproachable. I am aware I am opinionated, but I haven't considered myself unapproachable. I need to be more aware of what they are saying when they do talk to me. I need to find a way to fix that communication problem. I don't want my grandkids to consider me a buddy, but I do want them to know that I am interested in their ideas, even though I may mis-understand them or not always agree with them; and when I can, I really am interested in giving them what they want, even if I am a little slow on the uptake.

It Is Our Choice

In the 2008 Daily Guideposts today, Marilyn Morgan King quotes her mother "Always remember this: No matter how bad things may seem, if you look with your heart you will find something to be glad about". I would think that the corollary, "No matter how good things may seem, you can find something to be upset about" is also true. It appears to me that we are back to the half-full versus the half-empty outlook on life discussion. We choose ourselves, whether to find the good or bad about a person, place, thing, or situation. If our focus is on the bad, we will find the bad. If our focus is on the good, we will find the good.

It amazes me how much attitude plays in our well-being. I have seen people literally make themselves ill by worrying about something they have no control over. I have always tried to live my life with the philosophy of "If you can do something about it, do it! If you can't do something about it, then let it go!"

The economy is in the tank right now, and based on projections from our governmental leaders and most economists, it will most likely get even worse. It seems like every generation has to live through a depression. Depressions always seems to come after periods of prosperity, which make them even harder to accept. We need to take those actions we can in our personal finances that will help protect our future and then let it go. If God's plan for us is to have us struggle for food, clothing, and housing, then we are probably going to struggle for those things. But I hope we will not be be forced to do that. We are probably going to have to give up non-essentials and even have to re-define what truly is essential. Once that is done, we need to get back to appreciating what God has provided.

We are given a choice once again. Complain about what we have lost, or praise God for what we still have. I think the latter is the better choice.

My Father's Influence

It's funny how people influence your life. I have been thinking a lot about my father recently and about how much he influenced my life. What makes this unique is that I can only remember seeing him a couple of times. Once when we were living in Borger, our mother told us that our father had come by earlier in the day. He wanted to see us and would be back shortly. I was really excited. I think I was 5 or 6 years old, but I might have been younger. I was aware that other kids had fathers and I was also aware that I didn't have one. I think I was even surprised to find out that I did have one. It was the first time I can remember seeing him. He came to the house and it was pretty evident that Dick remembered him. My mother and father divorced when I was about 18 months old. Dick would have been almost three when they divorced, so he must have had some memory of him. Dick immediately climbed into his lap, but I hung back.

It must have been a pretty hard for my mom, raising two very young kids by herself. I am pretty sure she was bitter about the divorce, though I don't ever remember her criticizing my father. However, there always seemed to be a tension surrounding any conversation we had about him. Remember in the 1940's divorce carried a social stigma for a woman.

I will give him credit though. If you have ever been to Borger Texas, you realize that he had to go out of his way to get there. My father was in the Army Air Corp when they separated, so the constant moving to new bases must have made it difficult to keep in close contact with us. I remember a few times, either on birthdays or on Christmas, when he sent gifts. I especially remember a black satin robe with beautiful embroidery of a dragon on the back. I believe he picked these up when he was in Japan. Other than the one visit in Borger and the sparsely received gifts, I don't recall having contact with him again until the summer before I entered the eighth grade. He made arrangements with my mom for Dick and I to visit him in Rapid City, South Dakota while he was stationed at Ellsworth Air Force Base with the Air Defense Command. Dick tells me that we went up by bus and that our mother and aunt drove up and picked us up and we took a driving vacation on the way back home.

The week or two we spent with him did define my relationship with him. I remember feeling like he expected me to know how to behave on a military base and as a military kid. He sternly required us to respond to any adult including himself with a "yes sir or no sir" or "yes ma'am or no ma'am". I know now that this is pretty common behavior in military families, but it was new to me. I was close to my mom and this formality with him just didn't meet my expectations of a "dad". He worked during the time we were there except for weekends and evenings. Consequently, we spent most of our time with his second wife, Mary. Dick has pointed out that he took us to Mount Rushmore, took us trout fishing, showed us how to build and fly gas powered model airplanes, and taught us to enjoy Creme de Menthe over vanilla ice cream. Dick remembers these activities and I don't. I do recall flying model airplanes and eating ice cream with Creme de Menthe, but I don't recall when or who I did these things with. I guess I was so angry with my father, I just wouldn't let myself enjoy the trip or the remembrances. As I recall Mary went out of her way to see that we were entertained. We went to the Officer's Club swimming pool most afternoons. My father had other children with Mary. They were pretty young at the time, in fact I don't think all of them had as yet been born. We got along well enough. I do remember him taking us out to see the F86 Saber jet he flew and we got to see closeup some of the jets takeoff.

I remember thinking that my mother was in competition with Mary and wanting to not like her. I was pretty successful in accomplishing this, but it wasn't anything Mary did or didn't do. I was just at an age where I thought if Mary wasn't around, my mother and father would get back together and I would end up with a full-time father.

I'm sure it was difficult for him trying to establish a relationship with me during that visit because I wasn't very receptive. At any rate I didn't end up establishing the relationship I desperately wanted with my father then, and I don't remember him ever trying again. I think he had a family that was present and needed him, and whose needs he was aware of. He just never was aware of mine.

The next time he played a part in my life was during his memori.al service at Arlington National Cemetery during my senior year in high school. He had been killed when his USAF T33 airplane collided with a Canadian T33 airplane near Hahn AB, Germany. The two Canadians and the officer in his back seat, Major Rabbit, were able to bail out and survived. My aunt took Dick and I to Washington so that we could attend the service. I only remember that the trip was my first airplane ride and that Dick teased me about the plane being on fire pointing to the red flashes on the engine coming from a flashing red light. I also remember seeing some of Washington while we were there. Dick tells me my aunt arranged for a limousine and a driver from Phillips Petroleum Company to take us around Washington with her. He reminded me that we got thrown out of a session of the Supreme Court because he fell asleep.

Everyone was pretty emotional during the service, but I was determined I would not cry for my father. I was still mad at him even then. I missed not having a father and I still held him responsible. Now I had also missed my opportunity. I know that I must accept some of the responsibility for the failed relationship with him. It takes two people to have a relationship. Though I find fault with him because he didn't try to establish a relationship with me after that trip to South Dakota, I didn't try either. Sometimes we wait too long to fix a relationship. We think we have unlimited time, but we don't. Hurt feelings often get in the way of developing a wonderful relationship.

Dick had kept in contact with Mary and his other children, but I never have. They have been pleasant and welcoming the few times I have been around them, but I never felt a kinship with them. Probably, because I never really felt a kinship with my father.

I started this out talking about how he influenced my life and so far I have told you how he didn't. But he had a profound effect on me. His absence made we want a dad very badly. I remember day dreaming about him being around, taking me places, doing things together, and just being a "dad" to me. I built up this great fantasy of what a relationship with a dad would be like. I even started searching for a husband for my mother while I was in junior high. I never found one, but I did become close to the father of a friend. I learned to love him as a father and he filled most of the gaps my relationship with my natural father had left empty. Over the years he would play an important part in my life and influence most of the major choices I would make. One of them being the affirmation of my selection of his daughter to be my wife and life-long companion.

The other way my father had a great influence on me is that as a result of his death, the Air Force and Social Security survivor benefits paid my brother's and my way through college. I believe college would have been beyond my mother's reach, even with Dick and I working full time. My college education and the people I met in college have provided me with a wealth of opportunities for success.

All in all, I think the influences my father has had on my life have been positive. I don't hate him any more, as I have matured enough to realize that all people make mistakes and that happily ever after rarely happens. But because he was not around, I developed very strong feelings and opinions about a father's responsibility toward his children and their mother. My relationships with my wife, my children, grandchildren, and great grandchild have all been affected because of the impact his absence had on me. Hopefully it has been positive for them.

I think what I have learned most from the relationship between my father and I, is that you can still have an influence on people even when you are absent from their lives based on their expectations of you. If you are absent from a relationship, you don't have any control over what that influence will be, but if you choose to be present in their lives, you have some control over what that influence is. What that means to me is that you can never walk away from a relationship. You will always be part of it whether you are there or not. The relationship and your impact on it will continue, only in a different form.

I wish to thank my brother for some corrections to the events recounted here and details about my father's death he sent to me after the first posting of this piece. I don't know if my memory lapses of the events recounted here are a result of old age or mental blocks I have put in place. Probably both.

Waiting for a Heart

A friend of mine, Howard Gofrth, has a nephew who is waiting for a heart. This is just mind blowing to me. Steve Goforth is 37 years old with a wife and two young boys, ages seven and nine. His father grew up here in Bartlesville, though he was several years ahead of me in high school. I was out in Tucson for the winter (January-February) this year when I first learned of Steve's problems. Howard kept us posted from the point where "he has an enlarged" heart to "he is on a list waiting for a heart". How does one handle that type of news. I remember how scared I was when the doctor told me "you need bypass surgery". I can't imagine what went through Steve's mind when he learned that he needed not only a new heart, but that the existing one wasn't good enough to last him until he got one. Instead he has been put on an artificial pump while he waits. I was on a bypass pump for less than an hour and had doctors and nurses constantly monitoring me. Steve is walking around with one on his belt with no one monitoring him.

I think it takes real courage to handle this situation. You can read about Steve's journey through this ordeal at his blog (firemansheart.blogspot.com). It is also listed under the recommended blogs section of this blog. You will be impressed how well he is handling the news and the wait.

Steve has already used up about half of the two million lifetime maximum of his medical insurance and he still has to incur the costs for the temporary pump, the actual removal and transplant of the heart, rehab, and constant monitoring for the rest of his life. These are costs one just can't put into a monthly budget. In addition, he is unable to work while he waits. His disability insurance will expire soon. His wife continues to work, but it just isn't enough to meet their current obligations. You can help Steve and his family by donating at

http://www.firemansheart.org/

to a medical fund set up for him by his friends. The link is also included in the link section of this blog. Any contribution will be appredciated. Remember that Obama raised a huge amount of campaign funds by receiving contributions of $5 and $10. While you are considering a monetary donation, think about signing up for organ donation, if you haven't already. There is a link in the links section of this blog to Donate Life America and Myths about organ donations. The myths link will tell you that your organs can't be to old or worn out.

Please send your friends and family the above link to help Steve. I'm sure we can make a significant dent into his healthcare costs if enough people learn about his condition.

If you can't afford a donation, then please join with me by praying for Steve and his family until this ordeal ends.

When Did I Get Old

I never used to think of myself as old. In fact most of the time I don't now. But what causes me to think I'm old? My grandfather died at 62. My mother died at 65. So my 63 years on this earth are probably going to account for most of the years I will spend here. Yet I still don't feel old. I just feel old some of the time.

I think I can blame it partly on my daughters, because sometime they treat me as if I am old. Jeanie made me feel old when she chastised me for climbing over a rail to get to a seat next to her at the ballpark. Said I might hurt myself. Those were comments I made to her when she was just a little girl. Like I didn't have years of experience to help me make the decision whether to go around or to climb over the rail. She didn't make the comment to make me feel old. She just wanted to keep me safe. But she didn't acknowledge my past experience. And yet walking with JJ & Jaydence to Dez's graducation from Tri County Tech last night, I tripped and fell over an expansion joint in the sidewalk. What does that say about my years of experience? I quit falling down at about age three.

I guess I feel old because my philosophies on life are not currently held by the majority. I still believe morality provides the best deterrent to crime and being moral enhances an individual's self-worth. Having self-respect and giving respect are still important to me. I believe that individuals and corporations need to be held accountable for their actions. These don't seem to be current philosophies and I sometimes feel old because they are still mine. I see kids being disrespectful to their parents, other adults, and their peers and their parents don't do anything about it. How can you respect yourself if you don't respect others? I see individuals who will blame everyone in the world for their own poor choices. I see adults hiding behind the courts and not accepting responsibility for their actions. I know the pendulum swings in both directions and that it will once again return so my philosophies are once again the current view, but I wish it would hurry and get back here. The world needs them today.

I think I am out of touch with the current youth, but I can sit down with my grandchildren and find common ground. And if I am honest with myself, there are some things I did in my youth that I am not proud of and would just as soon nobody learned about.

So maybe feeling old is recognizing differences in your values and the current generations values and recognizing that the way people treat you has changed.

My son-in-law John and grandson Jeremy, just bought motorcycles. JJ has wanted one for a long time. I keep telling them how dangerous they are. But looking back, the reason I can tell them how dangerous they are is because I laid one down coming home from work late one evening. So my attitudes are built on experiences and probably some biases too!

2008 Graduation

My oldest grand-daughter will graduate this Friday evening from high school. It will seem more like an end to her than a beginning because a lot of individuals that love her have pushed the need for this accomplishment.

It has been tough getting to this point in her life. She is brilliant. Learning has always come easy to her. It seems unfair that one so gifted doesn't recognize the gift. She didn't appreciate the need for this accomplishment and I don't think she really appreciates how extraodianary this accomplishment is. I am certain that what seems un-important to her now will one day be recognized as important and what seem so important to her now will become less important to her over time. As I said, it was tough getting her to this point. While learning is easy for her, she has had her own struggles to overcome. Long talks, negotiations, coersion, and bribery were used to insure that she didn't drop out. In addition, we need to acknowledge the love, patience, dedication of an amazing set of teachers that kept reaching out to her. But this is Dez's accomplishment, not mine, not her mother's, not her teachers. She has worked hard for this, putting in time she would rather have used elsewhere. We make life a lot harder for ourselves than God intended and it's taken me a lifetime to realize just how much easier it could have been. I guess each generation has to learn that for themselves.

I believe there are some basic tenets to a happy life. Setting goals and working to achieve them is one of them. Receiving your high school diploma should be one of those goals.

I hope that it won't be long before she sees this as a beginning. She now has been equipped to take her education to the next level. That further education will separate her from the crowd of individuals trying to make their mark in the world. Her graduation from high school has already set her apart from a mass of individuals that didn't have or didn't take the opportunity for a high school education. Further education will enhance her mental, social, and technical skills to make her independent; physically, financially, and mentally. It will provide her the tools to discern what is not "what it seems" in this world from advertising to religion and to make smarter choices.

So Dez, I want you to know I am proud of you. You overcame the devils in your life, used your gifts, and achieved the goal. Maybe not your goal, but at least one of your Mom's and mine. I recognize that to a certain extent you did this not for yourself but for your mom and me. Congratulations on a job well done and thank you. Now it is time to set the next goal. If you let it, life will just happen. You've been given a limited time on this earth, so don't let time just slip a way. Decide what you want to do, and do it. Don't wait around hoping it will happen. Make it happen for you and your daughter. I love you. Grandpa

Last week Devin received his associate degree from Haskell in Lawrence, KS. One of my greatest disappointments will be that I didn't get to attend that graduation. He is well on his way to earning a degree in Engineering. He has been accepted and plans to transfer to Oklahoma State University next year. It pleases me that he is going to my alma mater, but for the life of me I don't know why. He has shown interest in joining a fraternity. He should be a prime catch for one of them. Did I mention that his associate degree came with summa cum laude honors. I was a good student in college (except for one semester), but I never even dreamed of carrying a perfect 4.0 grade point average throughout my college career. He and Dez attest to the brilliance that runs in the family. Devin is a thoughtful, insightful, intelligent, loving guy whom always seems more concerned about others than himself. Though he was compensated for it, he spent his free time tutoring other students at Haskell. Those students will benefit from his help a lot more that just the grade they received in the class with which they struggled. They met an example to follow for the rest of their lives.

So Devin, know that I am proud of you also. I admire a person who sets a goal for himself and quiety goes about accomplishing it. I admire that you strove not only to achieve your goal but to achieve it with excellence. I admire you for the love you show others. Though your intellect and drive will take you a long way toward success in this life, your carrying spirit will be what people remember you for. You've got your head on straight, priorities in line, and a great future ahead of you. I love you. Grandpa